I was thinking about the stuff I need from God in order to live how He wants me to and what I have to add to that. One of the main things I am responsible for is just what is in Psalms 51:17.
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A heart broken and bruised, O God, Thou dost not despise." Young's Literal Translation
Literally it means God works well with people with a broken and crushed will/mind/heart!
That is not the opposite of a sound mind and a spirit of power. I think it means that I must become completely mold-able to God. I must have my own will and plan ground down so fine that it can be acutely formed into His picture for my life. It has a strong element of suffering in it. Accepting suffering for God’s name must become like breathing air so that there is no resistance to his movement. Like Pinocchio the bigger my stiff parts are the more awkward it is for God to work with me. Fear of suffering is the only thing that can keep me from becoming like him. This is what Jesus meant when he said we must give up our life to find it. Seeking life is simply avoiding suffering.
The other aspect of that is brokenhearted. I picture that being a necessary response to my sin in the light of his love. I also picture again my spirit being a heavyweight sumo wrestler sitting on my mind/will crushing it. Mastering yourself is very similar to subduing yourself. I need to crush all of my evil thoughts with truth through scriptural mind renewal. Maybe each night I could go over the thoughts that I didn’t crush and find heavier, more closely related scriptures.
I believe this is the essence of humility. Recognizing that I lack everything I would need to fulfill God’s purposes for me on my own.
I thought of two things that need to happen more for me to increase in the depth and maturity of my love.
1 Time in communion with him receiving from him and giving praise and worship to him.
2 Suffering for his name longer and more extensively.
Those two things and faith were the things God was most impressed with all throughout history. That means that those three things are probably what we will be judged by most in heaven.
If I wake up early everything is harder for me to do well. That adds to both categories then! Until the point that God can’t or won’t help me to still be like him because I am so tired… I am guessing that Heidi Baker received the grace to need less sleep by pushing the limits of enduring suffering to be one with Him. The suffering came first and then the grace I bet.
All of this just deals with what I can offer God. Still the biggest responsibility is His. I need His presence to strengthen and comfort me when crushed. I need His Spirit to transform my fallen ideas into life giving ones aligned with His larger work in people. I need His patience and endurance to suffer purposefully. I need His joy to keep on going and to grow. I need the weight of his presence to prevent me from being thoughtless or careless with people or my time. I need His Spirit to show me opportunities to love people when they are open and in ways that will be meaningful to them. I need His encouragement and joy when it doesn’t seem like people are receiving His love or when they reject me.
I have mostly focused on taking care of myself in order to help me program, program in order to increase the scale of my love, and doing the minimum required of me in order to be moral and responsible so that I don’t need to concern myself with all the ways I fall short. I need a new vision that consists of increasing the depth of my love instead of simply maintaining my love somewhat. I have gone from being entirely selfish in almost every area of my life to being only mildly unselfish on the surface and torn by wisdom/desire for good and selfishness on the inside.
Generally, I believe that changing my expectations for life to be more aligned with the thoughts in this post will help me to develop a mature love that will produce real fruit. I hope that these thoughts spark your dialogue with God and draw you closer to Him!